So this is the New Year?

I am beginning to realize that I maybe the worlds worst blogger.

It took me about 20 minutes to remember my login and password
That is how long, its been since I have been on this thing.

But enough of my horrible memory and lack of dedication!!
Let's get to bid-ness!

Recently I saw the trailer for the movie:

I know what you're thinking.

Hey? Isn't that the bad ass guy from the movie Taken?

YES! Now with fully functioning man scruff on his face!

(Click Here for THE GREY movie trailer link)

For those of you who have viewed the trailer

Have probably come to the same conclusion as I have

The conclusion being that...

Liam Neeson maybe the best person to get stuck in the woods with, ever.

We all know that the woods, is home to many of God's frightening creatures.

Creatures such as Owls, termites, Bears and Wolves.

In the trailer.
Balto over there, tries to get a piece of our dear old Mr.Neeson.

And what does he do?

What any other disheveled man in the woods, facing natures killing machine would do.

Tape broken bottles to his hands, and get into a punching match with this rabid pup!

My greatest fear, is that I will be stuck in the middle of the woods.

Encountered by a pack of wolves, be armed with a roll of duct tape
And an empty bottle of Jack Daniels, and not know hot to MacGyver my way to safety!

Thank you Liam Neeson.
In your old age, you refuse to stop kicking ass.

Like Charles Bronson. Without the mustache. I salute you

THE GREY will be hitting theaters January 27th, 2012.

Another film, that's been buzzing

Around the interwebs is Steve Mcqueen's

SHAME features the talented Michael Fassbender, as a sex addict.

(Click Here for SHAME movie trailer)

...

Yes.Mmm. Wait there was a point I was making.

Ah yes. Movie.

SHAME is rated NC-17, for what Hollywood Reporter states the movie includes:

"Straight/Gay, three-way, urination and masturbation scenes"

Sounds alot like a Saturday night with Tara Reid to me

But with a lot less plastic surgery... and tears.

Looks like our glorious Magento, has the possibility of winning

"BEST ACTOR" in this years Oscars.

Which would only be fair.

Outside of playing an extremely complex character with a sex addiction.

He goes full frontal.

Anyone who shows off the Wangus, deserves an oscar nomination.

I am almost 99 % sure, that is a law in the movie world.

Coming to DVD soon

Is the 2011 Prequel to John Carpenter's remake of

(Click Here for THE THING move trailer)

Going into the film, originally I thought the film was a direct remake of

John Carpenter's 1982 remake.

But in fact, the movie was a prequel.
And a damned good one too.

The new film showcases, what happened at the Norwegian base camp in Antarctica

Before the American's stumble upon the wasted camp.

Two young American researchers, are invited to Antarctica to investigate

A world changing discovery, found deep below the surface of the ice.

The movie may not feature Kurt Russel, in all his frozen glory

But it does offer, a complete back story to Carpenter's film.

Going so far into detail, to explain, how and why
Every hole, burn and discarded body part

Got to the Norwegian camp in the first place.

My only worry about the new film, was the use of CGI as its special effects

Which in all honesty, was tastefully done.

But will never compare to the amazing visuals of

Stan Winston's and Rob Bottin's spfx team

In my opinion, if you're watching 2011's THE THING.

Watch it, and then re-watch John Carpenter's remake directly afterward.

The films, almost flawlessly follow each other.

The 82' film, takes place after 2011 film ends.

With a few moments in between.

THE THING will be released onto Blu Ray and DVD

This upcoming February

Do not miss out!

Normally, this is the part of my blog

Where i violently rant about something.

With the New Year starting, you'd think I would make it

My resolution to try to be more positive in my writing...

Well you are wrong.

My resolution was to try to work out once a week.

(Which I have no intention of really doing).

So that brings me to my rant of the blog...

WTF?! ZOOEY DESCHANEL

(Click Here to watch The New Girl promo)

With the rise of her new show "The New Girl"

I have been bombarded with how "adorably awkward" Zooey is.

She wears dark rimmed glasses, and even sings her conversations.

And she even has a hard time saying the word "PENIS"

The show is about a quirky girl named Jess

Who breaks up with her boyfriend, and is forced

To share an apartment with three guys.

They then realize, that she's really weird, and hilarity ensues.

Which is great. Except...

The show makes Zooey Deschanel look way too approachable.

I'm sorry.

I watched the movie 500 Days of Summer

I am not fooled by her 1960's bangs, and baby blues.

She is a maneater!

Case and point.

Zooey, married the lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie's Ben Gibbard

My heavy set, mutton chopped hero.

Death Cab for Cutie, known for its sad Pacific North Western sound

Immediately changed tune, and got a lot happier.

Thanks Zo. I loved it when I could wallow in my misery, through music.

And you ruined it! Way to be Yoko!

But, there is hope.

Zooey & Ben Gibbard recently filed for divorce.

Meaning, myself and the other legion of DCFC fans

Get to have their depressing music back.

It'd be like if Morrissey said

"Hey fuck this girlfriend in a coma shit, let's sing about rainbows!"

No, no, no. Zooey's reign on my music, isn't the only thing that bothers me.

She officially made, having horrible eye vision cool.

Everywhere I go, I get the comment

"I love those glasses! They're just like the ones from that 'NEW GIRL' show!"

Hey. Go fuck yourself.

Did I choose to be born with horrible eye sight?

No. Does Zooey Deschanel have bad eye sight?

No. Did her producers, think that putting dark rimmed glasses on her

Would make her seem more appealing and adorkable?

Yes.

Look people.
Women have been wearing dark rimmed glasses

Long before 'The New Girl'

Exhibit A & B:

Tina Fey and Lisa Loeb.

HA, so there!

Damn you Zooey Deschanel!

You have made everyone fall in love with you.

Except for me!

I know you for what you really are.

A heart breaking, near sighted faking, awkward song singing siren

Now please.. Get away from my television screen.

That's all folks.

Hope you enjoyed reading my insanity.

Auf Wiedersehen

-Carmen

RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE BLOG

ITS THE YEAR 2011...

AND JAMES FRANCO HAS GONE FROM
OUR FAVORITE COMEDIC POT DEALER

TO...

A GENETIC SCIENTIST?

Thats right. I am back party people.

And the first thing I would like to write about today is...

(WARNING: If you have not seen RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES, DO NOT READ THIS BLOG. Or if you frankly don't give a shit about spoilers go ahead.
But hey... I warned ya)

The beginning of the movie starts off with James Franco's character works as a genetic scientist at this evil pharmaceutical place, GynSys, who of course, loves to test their shit out on chimpanzees.

James Franco, does all this monkey stabbing, in order to find a cure for Alzheimer disease,
for his dear old dad. Who of course is played by a fellow ape lover, John Lithgow.

After seeing Lithgow get naked in Dexter

My ideals of Lithgow have been shattered.

So many wrinkles... so little blankets to shield my eyes.

Anywho back to the story.

After something goes horribly array with a tester chimp named "Bright Eyes".
(Side note: Bright Eyes was the name Charlton Heston's character was referred to as,
in the original PLANET OF THE APES films)

Franco is left to play parent to a baby chimp he names Caesar.

Now being that Caesar was born from a mom who was being pumped filled with crazy smart ape gas, Caesar got the brain genes as well.

Time went on, Ceaser got smarter. Too smart if you ask me.

HOLD ON.
I would just like to point out that chimpanzees are assholes.

I was watching Oprah once, and she was talking about this little guy down below.

Ya cute right?
Wrong. This asshole, is a mauler.

Charla Nash, went on The Oprah Show to tell her tale.
Her tale that is the stuff of nightmares.

Her friends "pet" chimpanzee, went ape shit (no pun intended)

and ripped off her hands, nose, eyes and lips.

BOOM! Proof, chimpanzees are assholes.

We feed you bananas and other vegetation, put you in cute clothing,

and even give you a cigarette or two. How do you repay us?

By horribly disfiguring a woman? Ya thanks chimps.

Okay Yes. Back to the story.

At some point in the film, Caesar goes nuts when trying to protect crazy old Lithgow

And is forced into an Ape Shelter, where he is missed treated.

And loses his damn marbles.

Caesar breaks out of the joint, goes back to the lab... proceeds to "do work"

He grabs the crazy brain juice, and starts letting it out around his ape compadres back at the shelter. Caesar then becomes the leader of an Ape Revolution.

There was a huge bridge scene, apes versus people. Pure pandemonium.

Highlight of the bridge scene for me, was the silver back gorilla, who took it upon himself to destroy a helicopter that was shooting , in order to protect the rest of apes.
Talk about commitment.

Being the hero of the story, of course Caesar survives the shootout. And James Franco, is virtually crying obnoxiously while looking for his monkey. He ends up finding Caesar and the rest of his crew, in a forest area, right across from the bridge.

INSTEAD OF TELLING CEASAR TO QUIT THE SHIT...

Ceasar creepily whispers sweet nothings to James Franco.

They hug it out. And James Franco wishes his furry buddy a good luck on total domination of the human race, damning us to be slaves, who later get put in the not so great Tim Burton remake.

THANKS JAMES FRANCO.

There is a place for you in monkey heaven, and human hell now.

In other news...

WALKING DEAD SEASON 2

PREMIERES OCT.16TH AT 9PM ON AMC

This year at Seattle's Emerald City Comic Con
I got to meet one of the stars of WALKING DEAD, and half of the duo of
The Boondock Saints
Norman Reedus

Outside of smelling like pure whiskey, he was a sweet man!

News of WALKING DEAD's creator, co producer, and director Frank Darabont stepping down from the multi million dollar project hit the internet earlier last month.

Darabont was supposedly "a pain in the ass to work with".

AMC also decided to cut the budget for the show. The first season of WALKING DEAD had a budget of $3.4 million dollars for a total of six episodes, as to where season 2 had a budget of $2.7 million dollars for a total of 13 episodes, which is the standard episode amount of most AMC dramas. Darabont said he felt that AMC was trying to "tell him how to produce" his own show too much, and stepped down.

Darabont was apparently all smiles at the 2011 San Diego International Comic Con

And was removed from the series a week later.

Outside of the creator chaos, I am still hopeful that season 2 will be great.

Robert Kirkman ( Creator of THE WALKING DEAD comic series), said in an interview with screenrant.com, that we will be seeing Hershel's farm this season, which had a small role in the comic, but huge impact on the rest of the series.

To see the trailer for WALKING DEAD SEASON 2

(Click this link here)

We're almost to the finish line people.

But I have one more rant...

WTF?! IS WITH THIS PLANKING CRAZE

According to urban dictionary, this is the definition of planking:

PLANKING - The art of planking is to lay horizontally across any object or the ground with their arms by their sides, aiming to occur in daring situations or a brotherly display of core-strength..

If I see one more facebook, twitter or email chain about planking I may shoot whatever technology is near me.

Really people? Instead of finding cures for diseases, solving the economy woes, or figuring out why Christopher Walken will take any role, even if its completely beneath him, we decide to "PLANK" all over the place.

At least planking is benefiting Hugh Hefner.

And if something benefits Hugh Hefner... it benefits America.

Hope you enjoyed reading.

Stay classy interwebs.

- Carmen

Twas the night after Christmas

And I just remembered that I haven't written a damn blog in like a month and a half

So. Here I am.

Lets get to it

________________________

First of All.
I would like to say Rest in Peace Leslie Nielson

The world is a little less funny without you now.

_______________________

THOR

(in theaters May 6,2011)

Has officially released a trailer

(click for thor trailer)

Released along side DC'S GREEN LANTERN

(in theaters June 17, 2011)
(click for Green Lantern trailer)

Making Hal Jordan, look like he got jumped by Microsoft Paint.

Ha ha ha, good thing it wasn't yellow paint.

Damn you Frank Miller!

Now to get that bad memory of All star Batman and Robin out of my head..

I recently saw:

The Fighter

I went into the movie hoping to just see this:

Mark Wahlberg and his Funky bunch, getting a whoop-fer.

And I did see that.. Oh believe me. I saw that.

But the movie was also genuinely good.

Every Performance was amazing.

The film is about a small time fighter named Micky and his dysfunctional family
And his struggle to make it to the big leagues of the Boxing world.

Christian Bale, the king of weight loss and gain

(Bale in The Machinst, The Fighter, Batman Begins)
Plays his crack addicted brother
And I'll tell ya what. If I didn't know any better
I'd believe my beloved Dark knight, was sucking on some mean streets
in order to get his hands on some crack in real life.

he was that believable!

It's even got Amy Adam's slugging a broad in a boston accent!

Disney Princess my arse.

The fighter has heart, tears, laughter and marky mark.
That's what everyone needs. Except Donnie Wahlberg.

He needs to get ready to go on tour with nkotb,

and stop tweeting all the god damn time.

In other news its...
TRAILER TIME:

I recently saw this trailer for a movie called:

If that header doesn't scare the shit out of you. I don't know what does.

Though the font looks alot like the font for TRUEBLOOD...
But I digress..

The movie stars Saoirse Ronan

Who plays a complete bad ass.
She is one of the world's deadliest weapons.
And she hasn't even hit puberty yet.
Her father is basically teaches her moves fit for the CIA

And lets her wreak hell on Cate Blanchett's character and friends.
It looks like a blasty blast!
Nothing like kids kicking ass , to make my ovaries stop working!
(click here for HANNA trailer)

Also the new trailer for PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN 4 is out

You can be sure that both Kiera Knightly and Orlando Bloom are no where to be found
In this film.

But if you didnt get enough Penelope Cruz Johnny Depp action in the movie
"BLOW"

Prepare for a less coked out version of them in this film!

(click for Pirates of the Carribbean 4 trailer )

More makeup. More accents. Less Cocaine.
It is a disney film for god sakes. Not studio 54.

Speaking of Johnny Depp

Tim Burton's Butt buddy is the main voice actor in the animated film

"Rango"

Johnny depp is the voice of a chameleon in the Wild West.
Who is quite the coward, and is forced to protect a town.

The all star cast includes: Ned Beatty, Abigail Breslin and Isla Fisher.

I personally met Rango. He challenged me to a "Cactus off"

He won.. And then I killed him.

(Click her for rango trailer)

Recently I fell in love with a show called
METALOCALYPSE

Which plays on Adult Swim.
Never has a group of drug and alcohol abusing death metal band
Warmed its way into my heart.

Currently Season 3 of Metalocalypse is available on DVD and blu-ray.

The Blu-ray, features over one hour of bonus material.

While watching the show. I came to the conclusion
That certain members of Dethklok look like certain people...
For example:

Skwisgaar Swigelf looks like Alexander Skarsgard

Nathan Explosion looks like Andrew WK

Pickles looks like Axl Rose

Toki Looks like Caleb Followill of Kings of leon

And last but not least, William Murderface looks exactly like Randal Tex Cobb

You may ask yourself: Carmen, why do you have so much time on your hands?
My answer: Because, I am having trouble learning how to knit.

I leave you with this one tip:

READ: WOLVERINE GOES TO HELL

Jesus Christ, wrong wolverine

There we go.
I haven't actually had fun reading a Wolverine title in a while.
But there is nothing like seeing Logan's soul in purgatory, to cheer one's day up!

Goodnight!

-Carmen