Twas the night after Christmas

And I just remembered that I haven't written a damn blog in like a month and a half

So. Here I am.

Lets get to it

________________________

First of All.
I would like to say Rest in Peace Leslie Nielson

The world is a little less funny without you now.

_______________________

THOR

(in theaters May 6,2011)

Has officially released a trailer

(click for thor trailer)

Released along side DC'S GREEN LANTERN

(in theaters June 17, 2011)
(click for Green Lantern trailer)

Making Hal Jordan, look like he got jumped by Microsoft Paint.

Ha ha ha, good thing it wasn't yellow paint.

Damn you Frank Miller!

Now to get that bad memory of All star Batman and Robin out of my head..

I recently saw:

The Fighter

I went into the movie hoping to just see this:

Mark Wahlberg and his Funky bunch, getting a whoop-fer.

And I did see that.. Oh believe me. I saw that.

But the movie was also genuinely good.

Every Performance was amazing.

The film is about a small time fighter named Micky and his dysfunctional family
And his struggle to make it to the big leagues of the Boxing world.

Christian Bale, the king of weight loss and gain

(Bale in The Machinst, The Fighter, Batman Begins)
Plays his crack addicted brother
And I'll tell ya what. If I didn't know any better
I'd believe my beloved Dark knight, was sucking on some mean streets
in order to get his hands on some crack in real life.

he was that believable!

It's even got Amy Adam's slugging a broad in a boston accent!

Disney Princess my arse.

The fighter has heart, tears, laughter and marky mark.
That's what everyone needs. Except Donnie Wahlberg.

He needs to get ready to go on tour with nkotb,

and stop tweeting all the god damn time.

In other news its...
TRAILER TIME:

I recently saw this trailer for a movie called:

If that header doesn't scare the shit out of you. I don't know what does.

Though the font looks alot like the font for TRUEBLOOD...
But I digress..

The movie stars Saoirse Ronan

Who plays a complete bad ass.
She is one of the world's deadliest weapons.
And she hasn't even hit puberty yet.
Her father is basically teaches her moves fit for the CIA

And lets her wreak hell on Cate Blanchett's character and friends.
It looks like a blasty blast!
Nothing like kids kicking ass , to make my ovaries stop working!
(click here for HANNA trailer)

Also the new trailer for PIRATES OF THE CARRIBBEAN 4 is out

You can be sure that both Kiera Knightly and Orlando Bloom are no where to be found
In this film.

But if you didnt get enough Penelope Cruz Johnny Depp action in the movie
"BLOW"

Prepare for a less coked out version of them in this film!

(click for Pirates of the Carribbean 4 trailer )

More makeup. More accents. Less Cocaine.
It is a disney film for god sakes. Not studio 54.

Speaking of Johnny Depp

Tim Burton's Butt buddy is the main voice actor in the animated film

"Rango"

Johnny depp is the voice of a chameleon in the Wild West.
Who is quite the coward, and is forced to protect a town.

The all star cast includes: Ned Beatty, Abigail Breslin and Isla Fisher.

I personally met Rango. He challenged me to a "Cactus off"

He won.. And then I killed him.

(Click her for rango trailer)

Recently I fell in love with a show called
METALOCALYPSE

Which plays on Adult Swim.
Never has a group of drug and alcohol abusing death metal band
Warmed its way into my heart.

Currently Season 3 of Metalocalypse is available on DVD and blu-ray.

The Blu-ray, features over one hour of bonus material.

While watching the show. I came to the conclusion
That certain members of Dethklok look like certain people...
For example:

Skwisgaar Swigelf looks like Alexander Skarsgard

Nathan Explosion looks like Andrew WK

Pickles looks like Axl Rose

Toki Looks like Caleb Followill of Kings of leon

And last but not least, William Murderface looks exactly like Randal Tex Cobb

You may ask yourself: Carmen, why do you have so much time on your hands?
My answer: Because, I am having trouble learning how to knit.

I leave you with this one tip:

READ: WOLVERINE GOES TO HELL

Jesus Christ, wrong wolverine

There we go.
I haven't actually had fun reading a Wolverine title in a while.
But there is nothing like seeing Logan's soul in purgatory, to cheer one's day up!

Goodnight!

-Carmen

The freak come out at night

Hello ghouls and ghosts.

Welcome to my very special halloween edition of my blog!

I havent updated you in a while.

And yes its because there is someone else.

The name is facebook.

And I cant help but check it every 6 minutes.

You bastards keep sending me farmville requests

And I just won't give into that peer pressure!

I have decided that in order to start this blog off right I would make a top 5 horror movie list.

Not just a normal top 5 horror movie list.

No no no. My horror list is about..

THE TOP 5 HORROR MOVIES I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO SEE BEFORE THE AGE OF 10 YEARS OLD, BUT THANKFULLY DID THANKS TO THE LACK OF FILTERING MY PARENTS DID ON MY

MOVIE WATCHING:

And so we begin.

#5- PET SEMATARY

Ah yes. Thank you Stephen King.
I think you enjoy fucking with kids, what with making terrifying films like Salem's lot and IT
But at an early age, I realized that I did not want kids.
Why you ask? Because I was scared to have an evil bastard like this one:

Come from under my bed and slit my fucking acheles tendon.

See this little critton was on Full House.

The way he terrorized poor baby michelle..
I should have known the monsterous things you were capable of.
Thank you Pet Sematary. May my ovaries be baron because of you.

#4- REANIMATOR

Ah RE-ANIMATOR. You made me fall in love with the adorable and goal driven
HERBERT WEST.
But you also ruined my life.
I thought when my pets died.. that was that.

Then you decided to reanimate a cat, giving me false hope in happy endings after death

By spawning the cat from hell.
Not only did I realize our furry friends weren't safe anymore.
But I learned what the term: GIVING HEAD meant.

Yes the epic reanimated head going down on a girl scene.

As far as sex went, I knew that the lovely brady couple from the tv show slept in seperate bed.

And this scene.. shattered my universe.

Aint nothing like reanimated head sex.. or is there..

this brings me to my next movie..

#3- EVIL DEAD

Evil dead, you introduced me to the man, the myth the legend.
Bruce Campbell.
But you ruined the idea of camping out in the bloody woods, for the rest of my life.
Why? Two words.
TREE RAPE

.

And you thought the only thing you had to worry about in the woods was..
Hiding your food from bears and keeping dry.

No boys and girls. The woods are hungry.
Hungry for your genitals.
There are reasons why i dont care about groups that hug trees.

Because they are enablers of tree's getting in good graces of humans..

Only luring them into a false insecurity.. then whammy.
Raping them.

Thanks Sam Raimi. I could deal with watching Bambi's mom getting blown to smitherines.

But having to be afraid of trees (I live in Washington for fucks sake)
Was something I wasn't prepared for as a wee child.

Just work on Army of Darkness 2, and I'll forgive tree rape & spiderman 3.

#2- DEAD ALIVE

This movie may have done wonders for Lawnmower sales.

But it also did some terribly wonderful things.

For the longest time I couldn't remember what this was called.

The only way I could describe the film was:

"The one where there guys kill all the zombies with a lawnmower"

But I could have used numerous other subtle hints like:

"The one where the two zombies have sex in the basement"

Or better yet:

"The one where the zombie baby gets thrown in a fucking blender"

Ya I am going to say the words: zombie, baby, blender; should never normally be used
In the same sentence, let alone a movie.
But it was awesome. After watching Pet Sematary I felt a little safer about my world.

That no matter, how evil a child maybe.
Whether it stabs you in your foot, or is plagued by the devil, or is a zombie.

There is always an answer to that problem.

A blender.

And for my #1 movie

THE EXORCIST

Some background on why this movie scared the living shit out of me as a kid:

1. I grew up catholic.
2. I had epilepsy.
3. We had a giant flight of stairs at my house

All 3 of these things, so happened to be in the movie.
I have never heard a movie where a young girl shoves one of these:

The crucifix not the priest ( ba-da-bing!)
Into her no no bits or koo-ka as Snookie from jersey shore would say.
And repeatedly masturbate with it.

I am going to go out on a limb. But with the amount of blood and demonic voices..

That was no walk in the park or scene from Harry met sally.

Also crab walking. WTF

No person should have the ability to do this shit on a flight or stairs.

At all. This movie made me think that the demon was going to come into me.

Make my stab my own vagina, and throw up split pea soup.
There is no coming back from that. Ever.

Fuck you Linda Blair. You scary fucking lady.

Thanks. .
______________________________

And in other news:

I recently watched a new cartoon called:

SCOOBY DOO MYSTERY INCORPORATED

Which has some awesome cameos like:

Bill hader impersonating Vincent Price
who voiced the original charachter of Vincent Van Ghoul in

13 ghosts of Scooby Doo.

&

sheriff bronston stone
Who is voiced by Patrick Warburton.
Who is also the voice of Brock Samson in my favorite show, The venture brothers

But something I found weird in the show was the relationship between
Shaggy & Velma

I am like 99% sure she pressures Shaggy into going all the way after prom.

Shows ya the quiet ones are always the kinky ones.

Case and point.. Trees.

(shivers)

_____________________

In other news, there has been talks about making a remake of the movie

THE CROW

I mean it hasn't even been like 20 years since the original

( technically its been like 16)

But thats not my gripe with the remake.

Its the fact that the person who may play the character of Eric Draven has been offered to..
The man who made entourage, and the man who loves to say hi to your mother for you

MARK WAHLBERG

Why yes i took the time out of my boring life to open up Microsoft paint
And paint over Mark Wahlberg's face..
(But you can't judge me....)
(.... Because you are currently reading this god forsaken blog)

Boo mark wahlberg! My vote for the crow goes to none other than ..

CROW T ROBOT FROM MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000

( bloggers note: okay seriously guys give microsoft paint a chance.. )

He's got the name. And boy does he have pizzaz!
Also if tom servo and Mike Nelson made a cameo in the film.
I think my world would be complete.

So before i sign off.
Remember to watch:

THE WALKING DEAD

Which premieres on OCTOBER 31ST at 10pm on AMC.

Have a great holiday kids.

Remember to check your candy
And monitor what scary shit your kids are watching on tv.

- Carmen

Not so sultry Saturday

You heard it kids.
Its saturday. I bet you all are still sitting in your pj's, eating some cereal
Watching cartoons. If you are. Its already the evening already. And you're adults.
Get a job already.

I recently saw two movies in the theaters that i really enjoyed.

The first being the movie, that all of us viewers have been waiting for, for almost 3 years.

MACHETE

[Fun Fact: Danny Trejo's MACHETE character made his first debut in Rodriguez's Spy Kids]

Since Robert Rodriguez, gave us the taste of Danny Trejo kicking ass in his faux trailer
During grindhouse, we have been hungering for this film filled with blood and sex ever since.

Rodriguez pulled off another fun action filled film, with his mariachi camera style
And fantastic score done by "CHINGON", which Rodriguez plays guitar for.

Machete, takes on the whole idea of illegal immigration with a comedic light.
Nothing like blood, tits, guns and one liners to show the american people
What it feels like to be on the other side of the fence.

The only part of the film I was weirded out by..
Was the fact that Lindsay Lohan was in the movie.
Mind you thats how i feel about most movies Li-Lo is in. .But hell.
This broad ends up playing a slutty wasted girl, who has a hunger for drugs
Quite the stretch for our little bleach blonde red hed i know.
But when Lindsay appears on screen, you can't help but cringe.. and want a shower.
I get the " Who let drunk uncle ralph come to the party! " sort of vibe.
And I assume so did Robert Rodriguez did also, because Lindsay Lohan was told to not come
To the premiere of "MACHETE" , due to her numerous ... drug loving crotch shot stunts
She's so well known for.

But who knows.. That ONE VAGINA SHOT, could have shot "MACHETE"
Into the box office hot seat, pushing that god damn "Eat pray love" movie where it belongs:

A theater filled with women who are looking to watch movies about empowerment,
Who then go home, and eat their feelings out of a fucking icecream bucket,
Hoping their boyfriends will love them, and finally feel the guff to ask for a raise at their jobs.
Damn you julia roberts, wasn't pretty woman and runaway bride enough!

But i digress.
Another perk of the film, was the fact that Michelle Rodriguez's character
Gave me movie wood, the entire film

She lead the network of illegal immigrants to the states.
She kicked major ass.
She also was half naked in most of the film.
She made me question my heterosexuality for a minute.

Salud Robert Rodriguez.

You made me proud to call myself Mexican.

Now give me a shot of jose cuervo & a steaming enchilada!

Another film that I recently saw in theaters was
THE LAST EXORCISM

The film was produced by Eli Roth.
And if you follow Mr. Roth on twitter, your twitter account has been flooded
With shameless promotion. . you.. damn serial tweeter you.
( Eli Roth's twitter account)

The last exorcism went from being Rated R, to a PG13 Rating.
Which I think is personally a smart movie.
Summer movie. Brat kids have money to spend, movies to see on vacation.
Wa-LA! Rated R, gets bumped to PG13.

The movie starts out as a documentary on a Southern pastor
Who wanted to expose exorcisms for what they really were, hoaxes.
His film crew follow him, into a small town into Louisiana where he meets a young girl.
The families livestock end up getting slaughtered, and creepy shit ensues.
The pastor then realizes, that he's shit out of luck. And he's really dealing with demonic forces.

The movie has the right amount of demon - comedy ratio.
And don't worry kids, you get to steer clear of any crucifix masturbation scenes.
But there is some awesome gore, that surprised me for a fucking PG13 film.

I've heard alot of backlash about the ending of the film.
Well fuck you, people who didnt like it.
I appreciate the film for what it was, and i thought the ending was amazing.
The film and performances caught me off guard, and legitimately gave me the heebie jeebies.
Mind you i'm bloody catholic. But still.
Its scarier then holding old peoples hands during sunday mass.

Speaking of the exorcist.

On september 30th 2010, participating theaters will be rereleasing
The Exorcist: the directors cut
So if you're ready for split pea soup! Linda blair wanking herself off with the cross.
And to be terrified of a 12 year old girl!
Visit this link to see if you have the chance to have a viewing near you:
fathom theaters

Anyone who has been to the theater lately
Has seen the ultra confusing trailer for:

The best part of the trailer
Is when people read the name "M.NIGHT SHYMALAN" in the credits

And boo's the screen.

What twist will see now Shymalan?
Aliens allergic to water? Ghost Bruce Willis? Raping a children's TV show?
I know... having your own name removed from the trailer
So that people will actually see the film. True Fact. I seen't it.
It must suck to know, that everyone in America knows how hard you blow.
Paris Hilton shares your pain man.

I'd like to talk about a few comics I'm currently reading:

One being ... Batman: The return of Bruce Wayne

This six issue mini series written by Grant Morrison
Follows Bruce Wayne, as he travels through time, making his way back to the 21st century
Which takes place, after his untimely death in the DC story arch of " FINAL CRISIS"
To see my beloved, Bruce wayne, as pirate.. and a pilgrim fucked with my noodle.
I felt like we took a trip to the silver age of comics, and the crazy mind of Morrison.
I was waiting to see Bruce dress as a construction worker, and dance to the song " YMCA"
At studio 54.
The Bruce Wayne, in this mini series, is nothing like the Bruce of stories told before.
If anyone can show their readers who Bruce Wayne, and Batman really is.
It's Grant Morrison. And I feel like he fails miserably in this arch.

But with the Shennanigans of The Return of Bruce Wayne, comes

In issues of Batman 701 & 702, we get to take a sneak peak
Of Batman's last case, before his death , during Batman R.I.P
The comics gave me new light on the Batman: The Return of Bruce Wayne
Its been a long time, since we've heard Bruce talk, under the cowl.
And Grant Morrison delivered, and made me excited to buy the
65 FUCKING MILLION OFF SHOOTS IN ORDER TO BRING BRUCE BACK
BEING PUMPED OUT IN THE NEXT TWO MONTHS.

Some good comics I think you you should take a peak at
If you like the old "ultra violence" come from IMAGE comics.
There is :

( written by Joe Casey and Chris Burnham)
It feels like a mixture of terminator & adult swims " Super Jail" all mixed into one book.
I love gore, and this book has some awesome layouts filled with it!
It's a girls dream!

And:

( written by Tim Seeley)

Image's new baby, Hack/Slash, originally from DDP.
The series follows Cassie Hack, on her first real hunt for slashers.
And is a great read for people who followed the original series.
Or would just like to start off fresh.
Its got blood, babes, and crude language. What isn't to love.

& for my last segment ( fucking stay with me man)
WTF?!? Advertising:

First of all. If you own a television set. You have seen the awesome new commercials
That makes every prepubescent boy giggle.
Shake weights

( shake weight commercial ad via youtube)

If extenze didn't already make you feel awkward while flipping channels with your family.
Shake weights will. Nothing like seeing middle aged women shake a long skinny weight
And like it! That commercial is flooding our airways !

When really. Its almost October and there isnt one fucking commercial for :

Yet.
I WANT MY MARSHMELLOW BATS!
NOT WOMEN PERFECTING THEIR STRONG HANDS!
I demand justice.
Marketing. You fail me once again.

That is all.

- Carmen