The freak come out at night

Hello ghouls and ghosts.

Welcome to my very special halloween edition of my blog!

I havent updated you in a while.

And yes its because there is someone else.

The name is facebook.

And I cant help but check it every 6 minutes.

You bastards keep sending me farmville requests

And I just won't give into that peer pressure!

I have decided that in order to start this blog off right I would make a top 5 horror movie list.

Not just a normal top 5 horror movie list.

No no no. My horror list is about..

THE TOP 5 HORROR MOVIES I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ALLOWED TO SEE BEFORE THE AGE OF 10 YEARS OLD, BUT THANKFULLY DID THANKS TO THE LACK OF FILTERING MY PARENTS DID ON MY

MOVIE WATCHING:

And so we begin.

#5- PET SEMATARY

Ah yes. Thank you Stephen King.
I think you enjoy fucking with kids, what with making terrifying films like Salem's lot and IT
But at an early age, I realized that I did not want kids.
Why you ask? Because I was scared to have an evil bastard like this one:

Come from under my bed and slit my fucking acheles tendon.

See this little critton was on Full House.

The way he terrorized poor baby michelle..
I should have known the monsterous things you were capable of.
Thank you Pet Sematary. May my ovaries be baron because of you.

#4- REANIMATOR

Ah RE-ANIMATOR. You made me fall in love with the adorable and goal driven
HERBERT WEST.
But you also ruined my life.
I thought when my pets died.. that was that.

Then you decided to reanimate a cat, giving me false hope in happy endings after death

By spawning the cat from hell.
Not only did I realize our furry friends weren't safe anymore.
But I learned what the term: GIVING HEAD meant.

Yes the epic reanimated head going down on a girl scene.

As far as sex went, I knew that the lovely brady couple from the tv show slept in seperate bed.

And this scene.. shattered my universe.

Aint nothing like reanimated head sex.. or is there..

this brings me to my next movie..

#3- EVIL DEAD

Evil dead, you introduced me to the man, the myth the legend.
Bruce Campbell.
But you ruined the idea of camping out in the bloody woods, for the rest of my life.
Why? Two words.
TREE RAPE

.

And you thought the only thing you had to worry about in the woods was..
Hiding your food from bears and keeping dry.

No boys and girls. The woods are hungry.
Hungry for your genitals.
There are reasons why i dont care about groups that hug trees.

Because they are enablers of tree's getting in good graces of humans..

Only luring them into a false insecurity.. then whammy.
Raping them.

Thanks Sam Raimi. I could deal with watching Bambi's mom getting blown to smitherines.

But having to be afraid of trees (I live in Washington for fucks sake)
Was something I wasn't prepared for as a wee child.

Just work on Army of Darkness 2, and I'll forgive tree rape & spiderman 3.

#2- DEAD ALIVE

This movie may have done wonders for Lawnmower sales.

But it also did some terribly wonderful things.

For the longest time I couldn't remember what this was called.

The only way I could describe the film was:

"The one where there guys kill all the zombies with a lawnmower"

But I could have used numerous other subtle hints like:

"The one where the two zombies have sex in the basement"

Or better yet:

"The one where the zombie baby gets thrown in a fucking blender"

Ya I am going to say the words: zombie, baby, blender; should never normally be used
In the same sentence, let alone a movie.
But it was awesome. After watching Pet Sematary I felt a little safer about my world.

That no matter, how evil a child maybe.
Whether it stabs you in your foot, or is plagued by the devil, or is a zombie.

There is always an answer to that problem.

A blender.

And for my #1 movie

THE EXORCIST

Some background on why this movie scared the living shit out of me as a kid:

1. I grew up catholic.
2. I had epilepsy.
3. We had a giant flight of stairs at my house

All 3 of these things, so happened to be in the movie.
I have never heard a movie where a young girl shoves one of these:

The crucifix not the priest ( ba-da-bing!)
Into her no no bits or koo-ka as Snookie from jersey shore would say.
And repeatedly masturbate with it.

I am going to go out on a limb. But with the amount of blood and demonic voices..

That was no walk in the park or scene from Harry met sally.

Also crab walking. WTF

No person should have the ability to do this shit on a flight or stairs.

At all. This movie made me think that the demon was going to come into me.

Make my stab my own vagina, and throw up split pea soup.
There is no coming back from that. Ever.

Fuck you Linda Blair. You scary fucking lady.

Thanks. .
______________________________

And in other news:

I recently watched a new cartoon called:

SCOOBY DOO MYSTERY INCORPORATED

Which has some awesome cameos like:

Bill hader impersonating Vincent Price
who voiced the original charachter of Vincent Van Ghoul in

13 ghosts of Scooby Doo.

&

sheriff bronston stone
Who is voiced by Patrick Warburton.
Who is also the voice of Brock Samson in my favorite show, The venture brothers

But something I found weird in the show was the relationship between
Shaggy & Velma

I am like 99% sure she pressures Shaggy into going all the way after prom.

Shows ya the quiet ones are always the kinky ones.

Case and point.. Trees.

(shivers)

_____________________

In other news, there has been talks about making a remake of the movie

THE CROW

I mean it hasn't even been like 20 years since the original

( technically its been like 16)

But thats not my gripe with the remake.

Its the fact that the person who may play the character of Eric Draven has been offered to..
The man who made entourage, and the man who loves to say hi to your mother for you

MARK WAHLBERG

Why yes i took the time out of my boring life to open up Microsoft paint
And paint over Mark Wahlberg's face..
(But you can't judge me....)
(.... Because you are currently reading this god forsaken blog)

Boo mark wahlberg! My vote for the crow goes to none other than ..

CROW T ROBOT FROM MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000

( bloggers note: okay seriously guys give microsoft paint a chance.. )

He's got the name. And boy does he have pizzaz!
Also if tom servo and Mike Nelson made a cameo in the film.
I think my world would be complete.

So before i sign off.
Remember to watch:

THE WALKING DEAD

Which premieres on OCTOBER 31ST at 10pm on AMC.

Have a great holiday kids.

Remember to check your candy
And monitor what scary shit your kids are watching on tv.

- Carmen